Written on
November 11, 2012 by
Dawn in
Blog
There I am watching from a distance.
I’m watching myself as a stranger.
I am like one who seems aloof. Distracted.
I’ve done my list today.
The dishes have been done, bed made, laundry washed, dried and folded.
Phone calls and e-mails have been returned.
I’ve done all of the things that needed to get done this day.
I am sitting with my family at the dinner table.
My dear husband is serving me a portion of the dish he has made for us.
I look around the table.
I realize I have been watching myself all day but not fully aware.
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“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete,
not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4
My then boyfriend (now husband) looked over at me with a grin as we drove the deposit from the retail store we worked at to the bank. I am sure a girly giggle escaped my lips as he said to me, “We have two hundred dollars in cash right here. Let’s run away to Mexico.” Not that two hundred would have gotten us far.
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“I miss the Food Network,” I tell her over tea and pastries. Her eyes turn bright while her shoulders square up for conversation. And she asks me excitedly which shows I miss most.
My answer surprised even me. Because I don’t remember scheduling my days around them or talking to my best of friends about them.
What I do know is I haven’t forgotten what they taught me.
Take Alton Brown for example. Now, he can show me how to ensure the best hard-boiled egg every time.
A lot of people can do that, yes.
But he tells me why.
And if you tell me why and show me how, it clicks with me.
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I’ve been battling voices in my head lately. Not the audible kind. But the ones that tuck themselves away beneath the gaps in my heart. They like to come out and share their opinions of me when I am weary, or when I’ve let my guard down. These voices come with words that are not intended to build up, but to tear down and destroy the very foundation that I’ve worked hard to build.
These words tell me that,
I am not good enough.
I am not strong enough.
I am not loved enough.
I’ve been tired. I hit a wall and have been zapped of strength.
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We were running late. The baby was screaming though his diaper was clean and he was freshly nursed, shoelaces were needing to be tied, one child was still in the shower, dinner plates were strewn all over the kitchen with some still on the table, and my hair still up in the disheveled knot on the top of my head that had kept it out of my face during the early morning garage sale we held and the 2 soccer games we played in (well, I cheered at) immediately after. One child yelled from the other room how he couldn’t find the matching shoe, another was digging in the basket of clean clothes that had sat in the living room corner all week trying to find socks, while one more ignored every effort to insist he get ready quickly.
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The lights burn my tired eyes. The dishwasher hums. Kitchen chairs sit askew. Bicycle helmet and badminton rackets lay on the couch next to the book I was reading this afternoon. The fridge is littered with schedules and lists and reminders — all my attempts to organize this life. A glass bowl full of ripe pears on the counter along with three huge donated butternut squashes.
The kids asleep. The husband away. And me.
Me feeling like somehow life has gotten away, taken its joy and its wonder and sneaked away like a bandit.
Me feeling faithless, dried up and empty from so little time spent thinking and so much time spent doing.
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I struggled with knowing what to write here. I shuffled back and forth from what I thought you might want to read, and what is pressing on my heart to share. I chose the latter.
God has been doing a work deep in my heart, and I know it has to do with true compassion. Something, I still know so little about.
“I would rather feel compassion than know the meaning of it.” — Thomas Aquinas
“Moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him.” (Mark 1:41 NASB)
In order to be the hands and feet of Jesus, our hearts must beat in rhythm with His.
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There are days I feel discouraged.
Days when nothing I do seems to matter and I wonder why I bother.
Days when what I think are God’s plans for me don’t make sense and I question if I misunderstood.
Days I know the enemy is working on my thinking, and yet, I can’t seem to stop the attack which leads to self-doubt.
Discourage—to deprive of courage, hope, or confidence; dishearten; dispirit. (dictionary.com)
When I feel discouraged, I feel like giving up.
God knew His people would have days like this—days they felt discouraged and ready to give up. But He promised He would be with them.
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