Maybe You Shouldn’t Be Over It

grief, loss, coping with

I was having a very difficult time coping with a miscarriage when a friend asked, “Can’t they put Prozac on your corn flakes or something?”

It was a well-meaning question, but at the heart of it was the idea that I should be over it. I shouldn’t still be grieving.

I’m Not the Only One

Some time later, I spoke to a women’s group about what the Lord had taught me through that very painful miscarriage.

A woman came up to me and said that decades after her miscarriage, she was under anesthesia for an unrelated surgery and the medical staff told her that she had been crying about her loss.

Of course, miscarriage is just one of many losses, hurts, and disappointments that we have trouble “getting over.”

What Does it Mean to Be Over It?

Grieving is a process. The Jewish people observed a 30-day period of mourning that involved participating in none of the usual activities and receiving much social support.

In our culture, that length of time of release from responsibilities and help from others is unheard of. That’s unfortunate, because grief requires focus. If we don’t have dedicated time for it, the grieving process can take much, much longer. We expect people to grieve in a hurry with opposite results.

When we’ve experienced a loss or crisis, the goal after the initial period of grieving, is to return to functioning. We want to be able to fulfill our responsibilities and enjoy our normal activities again.

The Fastest Way to Restore Functioning

If you’re concerned that you’re not over a painful loss or situation, ask yourself these questions:

  • Am I functioning, able to work, take care of myself, and find pleasure in people and activities? If not, contact your pastor, Christian counselor, or trusted physician for help.
  • Have I had an adequate opportunity to talk about my situation? If not, explain to someone you trust that even though it’s something that happened in the past, you need to talk about it.
  • Do you accept that an inability to forget these painful experiences is part of being human? If not, pray for God’s peace. Ask Him to work what happened together for your good and His glory. (Romans 8:28)

If  you answered yes to these questions and you’re functioning, does that mean you’re over it? Of course not. My life was forever changed by miscarriage and not only in negative ways. I have much more empathy for women who’ve experienced similar losses, for example.

The Bible tells us there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes 3:4

If you’re anything like me, you can experience all of these on the same day! If you’ve experienced a loss, a serious hurt, or disappointment, it’s normal not to be over it. You can tell anyone who doesn’t agree that a psychologist says so!

Have you ever felt pressure to be over a loss and how have you coped  with that?

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