When I was a little girl, I always looked forward to the Valentine’s Day class party at school. I would get dressed up. My mother would make cookies (we could take homemade ones back then) and I would pick out valentines to give to all of my special friends. I enjoyed receiving attention from others, handwritten notes of love and affirmation from friends, and dreaming of the day when my one true Valentine would come and sweep me off my feet.
Be My Valentine.
What do those words really mean? “If you love me, then you will bring me flowers”. If you love me then, you will take me out to dinner.
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Then the Lord God asked the woman, “What have you done?” (Genesis 3:13 NLT)
I’ve read this Scripture verse many times and always thought about how angry God must have been at Adam and Eve. As a parent, I know I would have been angry. I mean, really, the one tree they were told not to eat from is the one they couldn’t resist.
But not long ago I was reading this section of Genesis, and I heard something different in God’s words.
“What have you done?”
I heard sadness and disappointment.
God created Adam and Eve desiring the personal relationship He had with them.
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I remember shopping for my wedding gown. Me, a young bride-to-be, longing to be beautiful and yet still trying to be practical. My momma raised me on consignment stores and additional 50% off sales – so when I found an elegant off-white gown on the clearance rack of a local bridal boutique, I snatched it up. Never mind the fact it had a spot on the train. It was a small stain. Who would ever notice? I had found a deal!
I walked down the aisle in my bargain of a dress and then tucked it away in the back of a closet.
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When I was a child, I loved to play “Peek-A-Boo” with my parents. It was my chance to deliberately hide. But hiding wasn’t the best part for me. It was in being found where I experienced the most joy. Growing up, I often felt unseen. So much activity surrounded my older brothers and sister, as well as the baby, that I often felt pushed aside. So imagine my joy when my parents would be intentional in their pursuit of me as we played this game . It was my time alone with them. Uninterrupted. They had to come looking for me.
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As a busy, full-time working mom, I try to accomplish as much as I can in a day. I am usually okay with the messy house, unfolded laundry and cluttered kids’ rooms from time to time. But lately, I’ve been anxious and uptight over the fact that I can’t seem to get caught up. I’ve been short of breath, suffering from headaches, body aches and restless nights. I’ve had a busy couple of weeks, but nothing out of the ordinary. My day-to-day activity is pretty routine: I get up, get myself ready, get my children off to school, go to work for 8 hours, come home, help with homework, feed my family, do household chores, get the kids to bed, catch up on my favorite blogs, check my email and throw myself in bed somewhere around midnight, or later.
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Since childhood, I’ve been afraid. Afraid of death. Afraid of the stories describing a heavenly measuring rod. Afraid of the judgement. Afraid I wouldn’t ever be good enough to escape the consequences of sin and make it to the better place. Afraid of myself, my inadequacies, me — so quick-to-sin. A child afraid. A teenager afraid. Trying to get good graces and accolades. Wanting so badly to be told I was “good”. Seeking affirmation. Wishing so badly to escape the constant heaviness of realized imperfections.
Funerals made me catch my breath, hollowness in my soul, eyes dry and staring, unable to wrap my mind around the impossible forever of what-comes-next?
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Written on
January 10, 2012 by
Amy in
Blog
As a wife, mother, daughter, friend, speaker, writer, Bible study teacher, school volunteer, (the list could go on) I sometimes feel pulled in a thousand different directions. I have responsibilities in each of these areas and it’s often difficult to juggle them all. There are days I find myself paralyzed, not sure which item to tackle first on my never-ending list of things to do. I feel like I’m hanging on the end of my rope. Can any of you relate?
It is during these times of feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed, that I sometimes slip into the trap of negative self-talk.
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As a mother, I’ve observed how my daughter watches me. In some cases, I think she learns more by watching what I do than by listening to what I say.
As a child of God, I want to be a Godly mother, but as a human, I’m a sinful being. With my flaws and insecurities, I’ve been wondering…what do I want my daughter to learn as she watches me?
I want her…
To learn forgiveness – to see me ask for forgiveness and to forgive others, just as God forgives me.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.
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