I struggle with lots of things in my life; my weight, certain family relationships, feeling like I’m keeping up with everything that needs to be done, but there are some days these things are OK. I am at peace with them, and it doesn’t feel like a constant battle. However, the one thing I am always fighting against is the sense of helplessness and loss of control over my son’s seizures. It’s always nagging at the back of my mind. I’m always questioning, will he have a seizure today? If so, will we go to the hospital? Should we change his meds? Should we see a new doctor? Could I be doing something different to help him? Questions, questions, questions! And I’m a girl who likes answers.

The one question that comes to me over and over is why. “Why?” I bet I’ve asked God hundreds of times why this precious little boy has to suffer. Sometimes the question has a hint of anger. Sometimes brokenness. Sometimes frustration. I’ve never felt like I’ve gotten an answer from God.

Not long ago, after a seizure, I was desperate, angry and tired. I figured there was no use pretending and trying to hide these emotions from God. He knows my thoughts and feelings anyway; so once again I asked God why. I expected, almost demanded an answer. Part of me wanted to say to Him, “I’m not following you anymore if you can’t help me understand this. I know you have a reason, can you please share it with me.” He led me to Deuteronomy 29:19.

The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.

I didn’t understand. Then I looked at the notes, which read,

“There are some secrets God has chosen not to reveal to us, possibly for the following reasons: (1) our finite minds cannot fully understand the infinite aspects of God’s nature and the universe (Ecclesiastes 3:11); (2) some things are unnecessary for us to know until we are more mature; (3) God is infinite and all knowing, and we do not have the capacity to know everything there is to know about obeying him, he has told us enough. Thus disobedience comes from an act of the will, not a lack of knowledge. Through God’s Word we know enough about him to be saved by faith and to serve him. We must not use the limitation of our knowledge as an excuse to reject his claim on our life.” (Zondervan Life Application Study Bible)

So, I had my answer. He doesn’t have to explain His reasons to me. I still have to follow and obey. Even so, I wanted to argue back. “But it’s too hard. I can’t do it.”
But as I kept reading His Word, I came to Deuteronomy 30:11

Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, “Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so that we may obey it?” Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, “Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so that we may obey it?” No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it.

“The Word is very near.” It reminded me of John 1:1

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

It reminded me Christ is near. I don’t have to do it by myself.

Following God’s commands is not always easy. He doesn’t promise we won’t have questions. He doesn’t promise we won’t fight battles. He doesn’t promise we won’t sometimes feel discouraged. He does however promise he will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). He does promise all things work together for good (Romans 8:28). And He does promise even when we sometimes plead for him to remove some struggle, His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

One Response to Questions
  1. Elizabeth Mahlou
    August 23, 2009 | 11:02 pm

    Well said! I have asked similar questions and was directed to Job. It took five readings to get beyond the traditional explanation. I finally “got” it. It is too much to elucidate in a comment. I will try to post the whole story, probably at Mahlou Musings (

    On a highly practical level, does your son’s medicines not control his seizures? (I understand your situation. My daughter has had epilepsy all her life; she is now 32 and living independently, but she is not allowed to drive because we have no way of knowing that her medicine will completely control all her seizures; we think she still has some absence seizures occasionally. Otherwise, she is quite happy.)