As mamas, we carry heavy loads. There are so many details to remember. In my own mind right now, these swirling; kids doctor’s appointment, paper work for records transfer, math tests graded for the math tutor tomorrow, transcript send from this college to the other, graduation save the dates and announcements, lunch, laundry, writing this post and so many more.
And those are just immediate needs my mind is reeling about. How about past decisions, missed appointments and opportunities, regrets?
Do you ever find yourself replaying past events and decisions in your mind, overanalyzing them, wondering and worrying about what you could have done different?
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I was nearing the end of my day, and it was a long one. I was long passed the end of my energy, but not near the end of my “to do” list. I was waiting all day for the moment when every one of my four children were in bed, and the house was quiet, and I could have some time to myself. That moment wasn’t coming soon enough.
When I thought it finally came, my time was interrupted. Toddler baby girl woke up. My default reaction was frustration. “I have so much to do. Why are you awake?”
Immediately I thought, “My children aren’t a season, they’re my motivation.”
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“If I don’t have love, I am nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:2 NIRV
Without love, nothing? Really?
Sigh…
The chapter goes on to teach us what love is and what it is not — love is patient, kind, not rude, does not insist on its own way, is not irritable or resentful, or easily angered
Sigh...
These last few weeks I’ve struggled with my determined child. In the height of emotion and frustration, anger words I can never regain — were released. And my actions and my words were contrary to the “is and nots” of love defined by His Word, by His life.
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I was eight months pregnant with my second of four babies. I had stayed up late one night to paint our master bedroom, that made more sense being a playroom. I fell in love with a simple motif on the curtains I had purchased for the room — primary color squares with childlike drawings of animals and letters. I wish I had a picture to show you, but it was during the era of 35mm film.
I endeavored to re-create the squares as a border around the room by hand-painting them. It was a more tedious job than I imagined, and took much longer than I thought to hand-paint a drawing in each one.
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Every year we read the Christmas story and pray before anyone opens a single gift. Reluctantly, I admit that was the depth of our Christmas tradition. I spent countless hours, months before Christmas, turning pages of retail, seeking the best price for whatever items I wanted to buy. Yet, only about 15 minutes reading the Christmas story before we opened the gifts. For as long as I can remember, Christmas day was all about opening presents.
Last year, almost to the day, I remember mostly all the presents had been purchased. I was worn out from the shopping, and growing even more weary from the “I wants” and “Can I have’s.”
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I struggled with knowing what to write here. I shuffled back and forth from what I thought you might want to read, and what is pressing on my heart to share. I chose the latter.
God has been doing a work deep in my heart, and I know it has to do with true compassion. Something, I still know so little about.
“I would rather feel compassion than know the meaning of it.” — Thomas Aquinas
“Moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him.” (Mark 1:41 NASB)
In order to be the hands and feet of Jesus, our hearts must beat in rhythm with His.
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Hear the sound of my life — let it be a sweet, sweet sound. The worship song that my eldest beauty left for me to hear plays these words in the background while I shuffle around the empty kitchen. It doesn’t take much. Just a moment of quiet and these words to bring me to a place of surrender. I desire to live well for the Master.
I reflect back on the last few days of this week, even the last few hours of this day. My sound was far from sweet. I allowed frustration to replace the words I speak to my husband and children, words that should be filled with grace.
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